Who are my? I asked, a question to which I am yet to provide an answer. It is a rhetorical question, one that has no answer.
Why?
I am at a stage in my life were things are changing so fast, it’s like my life is zooming at a high speed right before my eyes while merely being conscious of things done and things not done. In addition, the one constant presence in me is Fear. Fear, which is inevitable in everyone’s life. Fear, which is a normal feeling. It is part of being Human, but what makes us differ is how we are able to curb the fear and avoid it getting to us.
WHAT IS MY FEAR?
It is said that “the Hypocrite have taken their Oaths as a cover, so they averted [people] from the way of Allah. Indeed, it was evil that they were doing. That is because they believed, and then they disbelieved; so their hearts were sealed over, and they do not understand. And when you see them, their forms please you, if they Speak, you listen to their speech. [They are] as if they were pieces of wood propped up – they think that every shout is against them. They are the enemy, so beware of them. May Allah destroy them. How are they deluded?” –Surah Al-Munafiqûn (2-4).
As my fear increases, I ask myself; am I a Hypocrite? Do I have their qualities? Am I doomed? I solely believe in Allah (SWT) and I believe that Muhammed (S.A.W) is the Messenger of Allah. But when I sin, am I a disbeliever then?
Even when I seek forgiveness for my mistakes and I try to start all over again, my past sins keep reflecting back at me, like a flashback, reminding me of my prior deeds. So I ask myself once more, Am I doomed?
The author, Umm Naml, in her book “The Other side of an Unbroken Mirror” talks about one who gives up sinning and the effects of sins in our lives. She said “The Similitude of the one who slowly but consciously gives up one sin after another, is like the one whose sins dragged him to the sea’s depth and is now covered and held down by clinging branches. Suddenly, a tree filled with noor appears before him and he is able to see through the sea’s surface. He grabs unto its root and every time he takes a swim upwards, a captive branch gets untangled from a part of him until he is free from captivity and follows the light tree to the surface”.
Isn’t this how we all feel after we seek forgiveness for our sins? We make resolutions and things start falling in place. Then, consciously or unconsciously, our past sins start creeping back like flashbacks and the doubt begins in our minds, who are we really?
While still talking about the effects of sins in our lives, Umm Naml also said, “Unfortunately, one sad thing about sin is that it ALWAYS leaves a scar or an imprint on its wake. If one is lucky to have received guidance after he errs, he weeps over his sins for the rest of his life. It doesn’t matter that no one knows but he and Allah, the pain and the torment of having been there, the guilt of being foolish and ignorant is always too heavy on the heart that one wishes to forget”. – From The other side of an Unbroken Mirror.
Part of being Human is to err, of course, we can’t live all our lives without making a mistake or two. Nevertheless, going back to the One Who created our being is what matters most. No matter how much our past sins reflects back to us, or how guilty we feel for the things we have done. Knowing ourselves and knowing that we have a God who forgives our sins and takes us back after going astray, this is what matters most.
It’s said “But you turned back thereafter: had it not been for the grace and mercy of Allah to you, you surely would have been among the lost” – AL- Baqara (2:64)
I do not know what you are passing through presently or how far you’ve gone through this life, but one entity am sure of is MISTAKES. In one way or the other, we’ve made certain mistakes, but it’s not really about how many mistakes we’ve made or how much we’ve erred. There is always a turning point by the Mercy of Allah.
It’s okay to retrace our steps. It’s okay to reflect. It’s quite okay to seek forgiveness and turn back to Allah (SWT). But how much of ourselves do we know? How much of reflection have we done?
I pray,
O! At-Tawwab, the One Who accepts forgiveness, forgive us of our sins, the past, the present and the future and help us to correct our mistakes. O! Al-Aleem, the all-knowing, you know all, everything that goes on in our lives, make us not err from the path no matter how much we feel guilty for things said or things done, and make us stand firm in the deen. Aamin.
Author: Habibat Adewole
